House of Gucci...Guccied?

I watched it again for Adam Driver's sake. All I was left with were thoughts and concerns.

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Our treasured House of Gucci scene, filled with many wonders.

I could use a meeting with the director, cast, and crew for clarity.

I'll be transparent, I watched it for Adam Driver. I'd sped through the beginning stages of grasping his appeal—by the way, he and I are soulmates; I'm nearing the end of my journey.

Aside from his role as Kylo Ren and Burberry's Centaur, he'd previously been insignificant to me. However, in my oblivion, I'd also seen other things he was in—as in one episode of Bob's Burgers, plus the Daniel Radcliffe movie I watched once (well, twice now) when wondering what Daniel Radcliffe was up to, but also binging Zoe Kazan movies because they're feel-good. I lead an odd life.

Obviously, my viewing of House of Gucci was a part of stage 3, which entails watching multiple projects involving your future actor soulmate, for research purposes. Other stages we'll discuss in detail another time.

Last year, I'd seen that photo circulating of him and Lady Gaga in character on what looked to be a winter vacation of sorts. At that time, I thought, "Oh Lady Gaga's doing a serious movie with that serious actor guy...nice...I'm sure I'll see it someday." I was lying, but I clearly did not know my fate.

All that made this such a full-circle experience for me, so imagine my state of mind when I exited the theater slightly perplexed.

Initial Thoughts and Impressions.

In no particular order, as they all seemed to fire at once:

1. Ridley Scott, I just want to...chat?

2. Is Jeremy Irons well? Not Rodolfo Gucci—Jeremy Irons, himself.

3. Jared Leto, playing Paolo Gucci, can join Ridley Scott and me during our chat. I can then ask Ridley Scott why he gave Jared Leto separate notes from the rest of the cast. I know damn well he's not supposed to be in this movie. They weren't sure how to direct him to the correct set without making it awkward, obviously.

4. Al Pacino is Pacino-ing, and it's mostly working.

5. Lady Gaga—playing Patrizia Reggiani—is a committed woman, and we should all be like her if we want to succeed. This is her second movie??? I think she did that American Horror Story stint that I never watched, so it doesn't count. It feels like she's an established actor—like music is the side hustle that she happens to be successful in. I don't see Lady Gaga anywhere in this.

6. I think everybody should have employed whatever methods Lady Gaga did to rehearse her accent because what in the world is going on here? I'm not sure she sounds entirely Italian either, but at least she's committed??? Mr. Irons is English half the time. Mr. Driver, like his film father, Mr. Irons, clearly can't be bothered in certain moments—so, go them, I guess, they gave us genetic accuracy. Jared Leto...cared too much, yet too little, at the same time—I was so disconcerted.

7. Salma Hayek's, Pina is just happy to be there. I don't even think she has any powers.

8. It feels like we're taking a nice stroll for some time, and then suddenly we're sprinting to nowhere...what is going on? Why is the second half of this movie in such a hurry?

9. Overall, oh my god???

Second Chances.

Some months later, I returned with another chance—because Adam Driver and I are soulmates and I am a dedicated partner. Holding those first impressions on a film of this scale was dissatisfying. I felt I needed to digest it using modern streaming advantages. The mission was to proceed with an open mind, but without the wonder enshrouding the first viewing.

I. Am. Always. Right.

I was not crazy the first time. This film is unsettling.

One thing I've learned in my quarter-lengthed life is that my initial impressions are forever undefeated. Upon watching Jeremy Irons' first scene the second time, I wondered why I'd remembered him as playing a dying British dad. However, as I went on I realized he simply discarded attempting to put on his version of an Italian accent—in this movie where he's supposed to be playing an Italian native—after this first scene. Splendid.

Further investigation also proved that Al Pacino's accent was simply malleable; his scene partner dictated what you were going to get from him. When Mr. Irons forgot, so did he. When Lady Gaga came in committed, you got the same from him. When Jared...Leto-ed, same, unfortunately. He's an energy and vibes man.

Adam Driver—playing Maurizio— is very guarded with his accent. It seems to struggle coming out. Meanwhile, his most frequent scene partner, Lady Gaga, is definitely just speaking her first language—although its origin is perplexing.

I went to watch some videos of Patricia Reggiani speaking because I was genuinely confused about our source material, and I have to say, it was a fair attempt on Gaga's end. I continued into the limited videos of the other real-life inspirations speaking and I got so much context for all the oddities that had occurred in this film. The family members' accents were definitely all mere acquaintances in reality, but this cast was so jumbled, making it all the more confusing. Accents in this level of a film should never distract you from your viewing, yet that was the case here. I should not be cackling when Jeremy Irons is dying.

Some notes:

Pay attention to the scene following Aldo's birthday celebrations when Paolo defends his wardrobe choices, specifically, when he says "...He refuses to take Gucci into the next century!" That was the first cackle. I'm transported to my childhood when my brother and I would constantly say, "I AM a VAMpirrrre!" like some clearance marked Draculas. Ridley Scott needs to send us our official employment docs.

This scene contained so many gems:

Paolo: "I'm like ah rrash of watehrr." (hard "th"—ð—on the 't'; many feelings in delivery)

Aldo: "Somebody, build a dam. Please."

Same.

Final Thoughts.

I think the most disappointing thing about this movie was that it felt slightly half-assed (maybe, wrong-assed(?)) and rushed. There was so much potential—in the cast, in the budget, in the inspiration. You research the real story and it's one of those "the more you look" types, and perhaps that was the problem they faced.

Half the time, it felt like the editing was eager to be rid of as much content as possible. Some scenes felt like they had more to say, but there was an obvious time constraint, which was so odd to experience in a Ridley Scott movie, with this cast. One particular scene comes to mind: Maurizio and Patrizia have just gotten to the climax of a rather violent argument when he slams her into a wall—a go-to move for him—and the scene lingers on them staring into each other's eyes, but suddenly we're hijacked into a father and daughter learning session? It's the little things, and this isn't the only time weird choices were made.

"Confusing," sums up this experience the best. Each cast member is committed to their individual—and disjointed—game plan. It was like botched homework, so I guess that's what made them a great ensemble—botched together.

I would like to file a lawsuit against Jared Leto on behalf of Paolo Gucci's children because god knows if I were them, I would be sending evil spells his way eternally. Why, for all that is seen and unseen, did Ridley Scott allow him to do this? Then, beyond Ridley Scott, the cast? They just stood there and let this happen?

If I were on this set, I would have given out sticky notes for anonymous feedback/complaints, because it was needed. We can work through our feelings after resolving the disaster. Maybe they all respected each other too much, or they all were too oblivious to their issues.

Either way, this movie was a bit of a mess. I'm mostly disgruntled because I went in hoping to watch Adam Driver be hot and talented, yet somehow I ended up reflecting on wasted time and resources in filmmaking. No awards for anyone.