You may need to reconsider what you're seeking out in relationships.
This is a complex issue, so we'll tread carefully.
I know someone in a relationship with a dynamic that I find a tad concerning. I'd always felt it wasn't my place to point it out, as we didn't have that sort of friendship. However, they recently opened up about some of the struggles they're coming to terms with concerning their partner. We spoke in depth about it, and I got permission to offload some of my takeaways here. Again, I'm grateful for their openness and hope someone else can benefit from the semi-word vomit I'm about to release.
In the past, I have somewhat reprimanded grown men that come up to me in public and flirt in such an archaic manner, I'm left cringing my way through the entire situation.
Not all grown men—I want this very clear. I'm not seeking to turn them all against me. I want it known that I mostly support the grown men of the world, in all their glory or whatever that is. The beauty, grace, and—sometimes—unwarranted look of certainty on their face.
The Calm Dad.
There tends to be an admirable commonality with men belonging to the subgroup I'm appeasing. They typically have a good sense of who they are and where they're trying to go—not to a T, obviously. Who's deceiving themselves that they know all that? It's more so that there's a strong standard in place. That being said, he doesn't make a hassle about pushing anyone to fit into that box with him. He knows his lane and is not concerned with tweaking (or molding into) yours. If you know, you know—maybe not, they mostly mind their businesses, so it's probably just you snooping.
On the other hand, there are the others.
One of the things that irk me about them is the sad case of self-esteem they operate within. They're not sure if they want to nag about how many young people behaviors you want to participate in—while attempting to belittle them—or they just want to be you. Why constantly reassure your partner that you're not an old fart, but said partner gets the reminder every couple of seconds that youthful things need to be evolved from. So why are you there? Do they look like a fixer-upper to you?
I advise that these types of people are only interesting for one date, where the insecurity will eventually suffocate you, and you just know you're never going to see them again.
Side note for Pops: If you're having to effortfully appear cool and interesting more often than not, you're probably offloading that baggage on your partner. If it's too much, maybe gracefully bow out? Go on and find your own niche? simple suggestions...
Keep all that information somewhere safe and comfy, it's not the sole focus here, but it matters.
Some people covet partners they aspire to be.
Not in the typical "our goals are aligned" manner, more like the cult reveres the leader. That person represents a life, personality, financial and/or social status, or the drive you hoped for in yourself—sometimes all of it at once. This whole setup is tricky. It puts you in a place where you automatically suppress your standing in the relationship and fosters an imbalance. Oftentimes, when you seek out this dynamic, you're not confident in the place where you are, whether mentally or materially, so there tends to be a minimal sense of conviction in your presentation of your point of view—or no presentation of it.
Unfortunately, and this may seem brash, you're bringing your deck-of-cards-in-constant-shuffling-and-scattering outlook on life to someone who is presumptively in a much neater place.
There's some aligning to do on your end, and that's okay.
However, it's critical to maintain dynamics, casual or committed, where you feel confident to express your views, share lessons you have gathered, and make your contributions—wrong or right. You're not always going to be right, but it should be a comfortable enough space where you can be wrong without feeling diminished.
It's also important to note that it's not always your partner's fault if you feel inferior. Sometimes it's personal insecurity that you need to unravel, and not everyone has signed up to do that with you.
You have not found The "Perfect" Partner.
People who crave this leader-follower dynamic often end up with a "perfect" partner. This person is often dealing with a barrage of insecurities that they mask with false bravado. In turn, you, the one craving for the perfect partner, turn into their issue "dump". So you're not actually with someone who's mighty, they just need you to continue to feel that way so they can comfortably inflate their ego and assert superiority; they're a narcissist, or at least, pseudo-narcissist. No healthy adult will be satisfied in a relationship where they're constantly reprimanding as though they're raising their unsatisfactory child—at least not these days.
It's not an entirely unfathomable circumstance.
To end up in this sort of relationship, that is. Sometimes you want to fast-forward through the figuring it out phase and be with someone who seems to have their entire shit together. As in, mentally—because god knows some people's ages haven't quite registered with them—a solid 40, 50, 60, 70... something, :) but in a fun way :)
The cycle may go, you take interest in some similarly aged person, just living their truth, having a blast, and it's cute, superficially, but beneath it all, it feels unsubstantial. You then turn to your general field of comfort. Intellectually, they're stimulating; socially, they're not in a haphazard place, and their way of dealing with problems is so much more rational. It's like they're just going to synergize stability with you—which is sometimes the case—but it's only going to work if you value yourself and your point of view. That way you're not constantly on eggshells and second-guessing.
I only use the grown man/young partner in my analysis, because it was an issue in that field that inspired me to get this out of my head.
Be aware, this dynamic is palpable anywhere: two college students, two high-school students, two people in no schools, a grown woman with a younger partner, a grown human with another human, two friends in any of the aforementioned positions...no pairings are excluded.
Don't expect to fix your life solely through human symbiosis.
If you're not in the place where you want to be, it isn't wise to bank on someone breeding wisdom and stability into you.
Seriously, sometimes you may need to recalibrate on your own, grow up and build your own sense of self, rather than try to suck it out of someone else. Doing the latter often only brings your own shortcomings to the forefront with no resolve, or worse, just sucks the life out of you. You become a shell of someone else's dreams.
When you're in a secure place yourself, you tend to end up on the couch—in bed, or both, whatever your stink is—with your dream. It's more balanced that way.
All that considered, don't place judgment on yourself.
This phenomenon could stem from a barrage of options: unfulfillment; coveting; an absence of stability when it mattered most; an absence of stability in the present; a sense of belonging. The list of options is long and reasons sometimes intersect.
The dynamic might even work—well, that's dicey; you'd be so lucky. However, if you're in an unfulfilled or unhealthy place, take your exit one foot before the other. Don't feel pressure to suddenly unwind yourself from it.
You may need to introduce some structure, space for interests, and boundaries. You may need a conversation with your partner or friend. You may need to leave. You may need to go through all the preceding paths. Whatever your path, tread step by step, but remember there's an end goal for your own peace of mind.