I did something odd that threw me for a loop recently.
I stood in front of my mirror and decided to say out loud ten things I hated about myself. A very dumb decision.
It's fairly normal for anyone to say they stood in front of a mirror and nitpicked. For some people, it's an everyday occurrence. For some, they'd rather just skip the mirror analysis thing altogether. On my end, I'll be honest and say I often don't care to stand in front of a mirror and analyze myself physically—unless something drastically changes. I find that I've just always been aware that there are things I didn't like about myself, but I've never cared to actually consider changing/harping on them.
On that day though, for whatever reason, I went on to decide I should say out loud ten things I "hated" about myself while looking in the mirror. Scratch that, my reasoning was something along the lines of seeing whether placing them at the forefront of my mind put me in an uncomfortable place or not. I wanted to see how secure in myself I truly was. Well, the results threw me off, to say the least.
I would have had a list of about twenty if I didn't mentally bar myself from expanding on said ten things on the list. I felt number eleven was of such absolute dissatisfaction that it would be criminal to omit. Somehow, we came to number twelve, which I almost wasn't aware had slipped out (plus a lingering thirteen at the back of my mind).
At the end of it, I felt a weird weight in my chest—like I had just dropped a box of books right on it. I actually had to take a seat and figure it out. Even when I was done saying them, my brain didn't accept the cue that the game had ended.
If I could mention so many things I hated about myself, am I then truly satisfied with my physical appearance? You should have witnessed the disdain in wording I used in describing these features. It was as if should I have been given some kind of toolkit, I could just prod everything to "perfection".
So What Were My Issues?
Sometimes, the things you want to correct are the big things that stifle your self-confidence. In my case, the big thing was the result of an accident on my teeth. I've had it fixed, but yet, here I am, still mildly annoyed by other small things surrounding it. I was sure I loved myself, yet I know some of the physical flaws I believe I have off the top of my head, and may jokingly reference them often. They seem innocuous, until I stand in front of a mirror and say ten of them (well, twelve) out loud and hate every second of it. Then there's that concept where we're figuring out which of the one thousand pictures we took hid them all well enough. I'm pretty sure I've given up on the thousand picture concept at this point. It's asking too much of my wrist.
The Lesson.
There's some key information I took from this—It's not perfect, and it's not an all-encompassing answer to all my confusion, but it's a great start. It's that even though I change some things about my physical self, or I may be unconsciously doing things to rectify these "flaws", I'll never be satisfied.
The entire idea with aesthetics is to create this range of perfections. All these perfections you will never meet for everyone, especially not yourself. Sometimes an attribute you think is great, someone can point out a problem with. If you change one thing today, it'll be another issue tomorrow. Even worse, the issue will never be fixed because there will be something you wished you could have rectified differently about it—some irking little detail. Then, you'll also have to work with the mental aspects of what it means to be this new you because let's face it, you've shaped many parts of your identity surrounding the old flaw. You can become better or much, much worse.
The Important Realization.
I'll put where I've come to today simply. Yes, I do love myself. I am aware that there are things I do not like about myself, but those things are, most times, as they should be. Nothing is ever wholly satisfying in life—there's no use expecting myself to be the singular outlier. If you can accept imperfections in other things in life—like your PB&J sandwich that could have used a tad more jelly—then it may be useful to treat your own self like those other things sometimes. I'm great and I can never be perfect. "Perfect" does not exist—satisfying, however, does. If changing something doesn't somehow better my general being (i.e. balancing my diet), then maybe it isn't worth making the need to change it so definitive of how I see myself. And maybe it isn't worth trying to fix could-be-benign little unfixable problems.
It's easier said than done, but it's the truth.
Also, side note, I'm pretty sure many of us have seen what it looks like when all the perfect things are put together at least one good time. It is horrendous (I have some people in mind, but I was raised properly). If you had all the things that we worship in this world, there's a chance that you would be horrendous. You will also have a show on TLC.
The Task Going Forward.
As I said, I don't have all the answers, but I promise, if I get a better resolution for myself, I'll share it here. I want to leave everyone with one little assignment though: Compliment people. It adds a slice of confidence to the receiver's day, but there are benefits for you as well. I find that you're taken to a positive place, no matter how short the duration. A contribution of kindness that takes almost nothing from you; minimal exertion. You've taken a moment of silent admiration and given that person a moment to shine and revel in something that you've recognized in or on them. Sometimes they didn't even recognize it themselves.
Take it a step forward, tell the people you know well exactly what those things are that are beautiful about them. Both physical and mental. I didn't say tell your job interviewer—you may be fumbling a job opportunity. The easiest way is to say the one thing that you really appreciate, make it casual. I can imagine reading off a list is only appropriate in very specific situations, otherwise, things may get weird. (Drunk maybe? Probably a gamble).
As much as we love to say to focus on the inside, and that's very important, we forget that for many people you often have to accept what you're giving off appearance-wise to truly shine mentally. And even if that's not the case for you, it feels awesome when someone tells you something on the exterior regarding yourself that they like. So it's up to you, try it out if you'd like... I absolutely love doing it.
I hope you have a peaceful day ahead. Eat some good food.
See you soon.
