Fantastic Misreadings I've Documented Over A Year.

Crispy Tampons.

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Documentation tracked until September 30th, 2022. More recent double takes to come.

I will soon be needing these for basic reading, considering my track record.

This is for a record of the times I've averted my eyes too quickly and then had to double back, because "wait...what?"

Crispy Tampons.

Is...Crispy Hexagons, a cereal brand that looks like it tastes like nothing. Crispy Tampons, on the other hand, is a forthcoming visit to your gynecologist...or the ER.

Leonardo DiCaprio's love, Camila Morrone, has massage for her haters.

*stares into the camera like on The Office*

Why would she massage them? It was clearly "Leonardo DiCaprio's love, Camila Morrone, has a message for her haters."

I still don't know what her message was.

Dude by Ugly People.

Also, misread "Ugly Dude by Dead People". Unfortunately, we will never know the truth as the wearer of the t-shirt holding the original phrase continued to walk past as I stared longingly behind them in defeat.

California Dreaming Coronavirus.

Is..."California Dreaming Console Table". As I shopped decor items for a Sims 4 build, I wondered why there was a Coronavirus-infected piece of furniture that craved fast fame and wealth.

The source of the pandemic, perhaps, especially given that this item was created in September 2019. Maybe our old friend was right, and the creator of this piece of custom content is The Government.

Making Out.

Is...Making The Cut. Apparently, for a second, I would have been convinced that Amazon Prime had a show about kissing. Not that unbelievable of a concept. Slightly unrelated: my research findings show that there's a movie called Good Dick with a very suggestive cover—same difference.

"When You Accidentally Hit THE High Note While Having a Heart Attack".

This is 100% stealing, so first, a shout-out to Earthworm Sally, a YouTube legend in my eyes. This person and I were on a similar path when they clicked on a YouTube video titled "when u accidentally hit THE high note in Heart Attack 🤣". Apparently, this is/was some sort of TikTok challenge—I sound old—and this uploader absolutely ate this challenge—I'm young again—so shout out to them as well.

I choose to only acknowledge Earthworm and I's path, as it is more interesting. Not sure why our version would be on YouTube, but then, why not?

Chris Rock Has A Massage About Playing The Victim...

Is..."Chris Rock Has A Message About Playing The 'Victim' After Will Smith Apology Video."

We will not speak further about this event. Rammed into the ground.

That being said, why, oh why, am I always assigning random massage offers to people, and then being confused as to why they're offering them? There should be a section called "Chioma arranges free massages from celebrities and public figures."

In other words, enough messages; they're all so paradoxical and dramatic.

Fly High, Grandma (DOB - DOP).

Is... "Greatness 1995" ...or something.

Alas, I have given someone's grandma a funeral.

I can't even begin to explain this situation properly. I was with someone who doesn't know me well enough to know that some foul jibberish occurs in my brain and/or slips from my mouth every millisecond. I'd spotted someone in a hoodie with the aforementioned message across the room from us. After I'd told her what I just read, she stood there in deep confusion, wondering how I pulled paying respect to your grandma merch from what looked to be a homage to some regional sports team from some year I can't properly remember.

Summary: their grandma may or may not be alive. Their team clearly means a lot to them. I need glasses and/or better rest.

Ta-ta.